What I Want You to Know

Resolve.org, who leads the charge on National Infertility Awareness Week, sets the theme each year and gives us advocates topics to think and speak about. Today’s theme is "What I Want You To Know." Such a powerful statement. There’s so many things I’ve learned over the years but today the thing I most want you to know is that infertility changed me.

The person Rob married in 2011 (it’s our 10 year this year!) and the person I am now are very different. I know we all change as we age, but this isn’t the same. After 10 years of chasing babies there are things about me and my life that are forever altered. Some good. Some bad.

Let’s start with the tough stuff so we can end this blog on a high note. This journey has jaded me. Robbed me of the blissful innocence that creating a family is a fun and simple task. I have deep seeded trauma and PTSD that ebbs and flows but never fully goes away. I am a harder version of who I used to be, jaded at times. My anxiety gets so bad at times it feels like my chest is ripping open, but I’m already on so many medications that I just can’t stomach, literally, taking one more. So I deal. I hide my depression and anxiety and I deal with the bad days alone.

The physical toll that almost 10 years of being on high doses of estrogen, progesterone and other IVF drugs has forced my already shitty PCOS and Endometriosis body to gain weight, retain weight, and basically not feel “normal” for a very long time. My endo is so bad I need a full hysterectomy, it’s in my back, all over in my gut, I wake up with a stomach ache every single day. But, I can’t do this until we’re done having kids and I’m not done so I deal with the daily pain and bloating.

I worry that I’ll die from breast cancer because of the high doses of estrogen over long periods of time but our shitty insurance in the USA will not allow me early screening as I don’t qualify as high risk in their mind. So instead I have to wait and hope and pray this doesn’t happen to me.

I don’t trust my own body as it has failed me time and time again- can’t get pregnant, endometriosis and PCOS, blocked tubes, shitty eggs, polyps, fibroids, pre-eclampsia that almost killed me, polyps again, oh wait polyps again, miscarriage, dilated tubes, and just for some fun another polyp.

Infertility robbed us literally of over 150k. Instead of traveling, buying cars, getting a larger home which we have wanted for years, going on fun shopping sprees or having moments of just care free spending we have non-stop paid for medical treatments and medications for 10 years. That constant burden is a heavy load on a marriage. We have sacrificed financially because we wanted children so badly, but it shouldn’t have come down to that!

It has tested my faith. I have moments I’m so angry with God I have nothing at all to say to Him. Why me. Why us? What does this test prove?

Whew…I could probably go on, because infertility is a never ending cycle of stress and pain, but there is a but. Infertility has given me patience. I have been forced to learn how to lean into the wait and take time off of treatments to heal myself and my husband.

Infertility taught me deep compassion and empathy for others. It taught me relationships and a support system matter. I am a better friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter because I care deeply and I value each one of you. I know what pain feels like. I know what feeling alone and depressed feels like. I know how hard infertility is. I know how hard being a new mom is. I know how hard raising twins is. I know how hard it is to put your body through round after round after round of treatment. That experience hardened me yes, but in many ways softened me and opened my heart to others. It also made me cherish what I already have.

Infertility forced me to open up about my experience and start writing. This blog has healed me and I know it has helped others. I hope I can continue to reach new men and women through my writing. Who knows, maybe some day I can even spark even larger changes.

Infertility gave me 7 years of just Rob and I. Concentrated years of navigating the hardest battle of our life to this point, which built strength and trust into our marriage so great I never knew it was possible to love like this. We are a team, nothing will break us because we’ve proved time and time again we will rise up for each other.

Infertility gave me twins. Coop and Ollie are the center of our world and I never would have had them without infertility. Being their mom is one of the proudest, hardest, most beautiful things I will ever do. I am so grateful these little souls chose us to be their parents.

Infertility taught me the meaning of faith. Faith isn’t just standing by God’s side when times are good. Faith is blindly trusting, give up control, knowing that all the pain isn’t for not. Faith was knowing God would lead us to children, even if that looked a little different than the traditional methods. Faith is knowing that I didn’t lose Noah permanently, that my baby boy is waiting for me heaven and some day we will be re-united and what a glorious day that will be. Faith is trusting that he has another baby for us, even if it’s not right now. Faith is a choosing to lean into God even when I’m angry at Him and knowing he is leaning right back into me, carrying me even on the days I can’t get up off my knees.

What I want you to know is infertility has changed me. What I need you to know is I am proud of my strength, I am a warrior, but I wish I didn’t have to be.