Patiently Impatient

I am convinced that God’s plan for my life is to beat me over the head until I learn patience. To let go. To learn to trust others vs carrying the world on my back. I am NOT good at letting go. I enjoy control. I love a world filled with order that makes sense and nothing about infertility and miscarriages makes sense.

There isn’t a damn thing I can control in this process. Today was a reminder of that. I went in to have my HCG checked. HCG is the hormone that tells your body you are pregnant and after a miscarriage you cannot move forward with having another baby until it hits absolute zero. My HCG today was 3.

You might be thinking, well isn’t that a good thing, 3 is almost zero. But the problem is, 3 is not zero and 3 means my body still isn’t over this miscarriage and 3 means another week of waiting for a blood draw and praying it finally hits zero so I can move on.

To add insult to injury, as I was getting my blood drawn to erase the last bit of this baby I so desperately wanted, music started to play through the hospital’s speakers. This wasn’t just any music, in our hospital when a baby is born, they play a special song so everyone can stop and celebrate that a new life was just born. It’s such a beautiful thing they do, but it caught me with my guard down. I was already vulnerable, and when that music started the tears flowed freely down my face.

I can’t pretend to understand His plan for me. These moments cut deeply. I have been in our hospital for draws and other things probably 30 or more times in the last 6 months, not once in that time has the music played. To be there at the exact moment a life was born, what a treat and what a painful reminder that my womb is empty.

The generations now call that a “trigger,” a reminder of a painful experience that “triggers” an emotional response. Right now, I am going to choose a different response- one of hope. I said a prayer for that new life, I invite you to do the same, and I am hopeful that soon enough the music will play for me.