Missing Baby Klimek

Miscarriage, a label I never wanted to hold. A burden I never wanted to carry. A pain I never wanted to feel. Yet, here I am in the throws of a miscarriage, and it’s everything I never wanted. You may be wondering then, why share this. Why talk about something so dark and painful. For me it’s a couple of things, to honor this baby because there was a baby and a heartbeat and a soul. I loved that baby, and I want to share their short life with you. And two, because I know there are so many that suffer this loss. I am writing this for you. You are not alone. I see you. I know on Christmas morning you are wishing so badly that baby was here to celebrate it with you. That the only gift you want is that pregnancy back. That seeing all the beautiful announcements that happen this time of year is its own special kind of joy and grief. You are not alone, I see you, I am you.

If you’ve known me for a while you know the journey to a baby is not a short or easy one for us. Here is what our timeline looked like. August 2019 I was having a lot of pain in my uterus area and discovered I was covered in polyps. We weren’t quite ready for a baby yet so I underwent a surgery to remove the polyps and had an IUD placed to protect me from getting more until we were ready to get pregnant.

We decided last Spring we were ready for that baby. In June we started the consultations, in August we found out that the IUD that I had been having problems with for over a year was actually falling out and had been for quite some time and I had several polyps…again. So I underwent another surgery to remove all of the new growths in September.

At that time I started on Depot Lupron shots, which throw the body into menopause so the side effects are so wonderful. They include weight gain, hot flashes, insomnia, night sweats, migraines and irritability. YAY! Because I have both PCOS and endometriosis I need those shots to “down regulate” which means to get the inflammation those diseases cause under control. In October I had my second shot and we were officially cleared to start transfer meds.

Prior to any embryo being transferred you have to start a ton of medications to mimic what would happen in a regular body that gets pregnant. Here’s a little science lesson for you. When a “normal” person gets pregnant the sperm meets the egg in the fallopian tubes where it takes approximately 5 days to journey down into the uterus to implant. During that time the body is already starting to produce extra progesterone and estrogen to support that baby. When we transfer embryos they have already grown in a lab for 5 days and when we put them back is about the time in a regular pregnancy they would reach the top of the uterus. So on top of my normal meds for my thyroid and my PCOS we added to the party two forms of progesterone (one of them is a daily inch and a half needle in the ass, jealous yet?) estrogen patches, a baby aspirin, and because of my inflammation I also take medications to keep the histamines in my body under control including a daily steroid, Pepcid and Claritin. Then add in your normal Vit D because we live in MN and it’s crucial during pregnancy to have enough of that, fish oil for brain development and of course a prenatal vitamin. If you looked in my medicine cabinet during a transfer and didn’t know I was a fertility patient you might have some questions for me ha!

Okay science lesson over, hope you were paying attention there will be a quiz at the end.

So back to our timeline. All of these meds started on October 19th and our transfer was on November 6th. It was beautiful day. Rob and I had stayed in the cities the night before so we had time to grab breakfast together. Then I had a relaxing session of acupuncture with the amazing Nicole Lange who specializes in fertility treatments. After that was over it was baby time.

The latest lock down hadn’t started yet so Rob was able to be with me for the transfer and it couldn’t have gone more smoothly. We saw our babies (we transferred 2), watched them get placed and went home to let them settle in. Here are some pictures from that big day.

Nine excruciating days later on November 15th we found out it worked! We had an awesome first beta, my HCG was already at 118, the goal is to be over 50.

Two days later we did a repeat draw and my HCG was still rising which was a great sign. Here’s where the news starts to worry us though, my HCG did not double as it should. It rose 85%. They weren’t worried but wanted to do a third draw 4 days later. I had the same thing happen with the boys so I wasn’t overly concerned but it still sucked. That last draw though I knew in my heart something was wrong. My HCG had only reached 600. The on call nurse isn’t my normal nurse and she didn’t think anything was wrong, but I also think she looked at my chart wrong and didn’t realize it had been 4 days since my last check, not 2. My HCG should have been over 800 at that point. I was officially worried, but that is the life of a fertility patient. Pregnancy after all the years of loss is filled with worry. Until that baby is in your arms you are waiting for the other shoe to drop because it has so many fing times.

On Wednesday December 2nd the other shoe dropped. We knew we had already lost one of the babies as there was only one on ultrasound and that baby was already struggling. They were tiny, much smaller than what we expected at that point but we had one thing going for us…a heartbeat. It was only 94 beats per minute but it was there. We learned it was one of two things. Either that baby took it’s sweet time implanting and was just a little behind or something was chromosomally wrong and our baby would ultimately not make it. All we could do was pray and wait.

Here I am right before the ultrasound, so full of hope and excitement.

Rob was not allowed at this appointment because of Covid so he was in the car on Facetime watching helplessly as I sat on the table in shock and in tears. We had so much hope for this baby. We knew the due date- July 25th. We had a vision of what our summer would be like, we had already ordered items to announce this little one to our families. We were ready. God had another plan for us.

One week later we made the long, quiet drive to Edina to check on our baby. Our hearts had hope, our heads knew what was coming. They had given this baby a less then 10% chance of making it. Baby was still there, what a little fighter this little one was. Trying so hard to survive. Baby’s heart had dropped to only 74 beats per minute and now there was an irregular heartbeat present. Baby was dying.

I am sobbing as I type this. Watching your child fighting to survive knowing there is not a thing you can do to stop it, to comfort your baby, to hold them and tell them you’re there. I don’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.

One week later on Wednesday December 16th baby Klimek’s heart had stopped and our precious little one was gone. My OB in Edina is incredible, I cried she comforted me. She spent almost 45 minutes with me in that cold room easing my grief. Margaret if you ever read this just know that meant more than you know. She’s been in my shoes and she knew my pain. Rob was still not allowed to come and so we decided I would just go alone. I wanted the space on the drive home to grieve alone as I knew what was coming.

I know they are with God. I know they are free from pain. I know all of this. It does not make me feel better though. I don’t understand why these things happen. Please don’t ever say to someone in the throws of loss that it happened for a reason. There is no good reason why my journey is filled with loss and yours isn’t. I am choosing to share my journey to help others and because talking about my loss helps me heal. I am talking about this baby because they deserve to be known and loved and prayed for.

As for the physical aspect of the miscarriage, it has been worse than I even expected and trust me I did my research. I know it is almost over and then the true healing will begin. We are fortunate and privileged in that we can try again. We have 7 embryos left and hope and pray we will be blessed with a little one when the time is right.

I will end this with a sign that God gifted me amongst all of this darkness and pain. On my drive home after losing the baby I happened to look out my window faintly shining in the sky was a rainbow.

There was no rain that day, it’s December in MN. That rainbow was a gift and promise to me. Baby’s after loss are called rainbow babies. The rainbow is the sign for hope and in the bible, God used it as a promise to us and a visible sign to remember that covenant. I am taking it as his promise to me that there are lighter times to come and this time in darkness is over. I pray that you too see signs of God’s love and hope in your life.

With bated breath, we are back to the season of waiting and praying for another baby. Until then I am counting my blessings and wishing you all a Merry Christmas filled with love and joy.

The Klimeks