Hitting Pause

Easy. That’s what I thought adding another baby to our family would be after all the years of heartache, loss and sacrifice. It had to be, we’d already been through too much. We had 9 amazing embryos waiting for us, it would be a simple transfer and we would, for the first time ever in this journey, have some control. Wrong.

I thought I would be having a baby this month originally, now we’re 9 months into trying to add to our family and we have decided to hit pause. Let me catch you up on what’s happened in the past 2 weeks to lead us to this extremely difficult decision.

Last I left you I was heading to the cities after our canceled transfer to do a test called an HSG to check my fallopian tubes for dilation. I have had this test several times and it’s typically extremely painful for me. I was nervous walking into my clinic, for fertility patients just pulling into the parking lot can be triggering. My emotions were boiling just under the surface this visit knowing so much was at stake- time, money and pain. The nurse that took my vitals, while extremely sweet, is the same nurse that I had when I found out we lost Noah in December. It’s not her fault, but when I see her, I have this uncontrollable sadness and even anger. I held it all in until my favorite OB at CCRM Margaret came over to say hi. I broke down crying unable to hold back any longer. We shared a moment, she’s been in my shoes which is what makes her the most amazing OB for fertility patients. She said all the right things like she always does, let me cry and helped me mentally prepare for what was next.

CCRM does not have the imaging equipment to perform an HSG so I was sent downstairs to a clinic they partner with and waited to start.

Nerves were high, like I said I’ve had this test and it’s been extremely painful for me historically. This time was easy peasy. The staff was amazing and gentle and I didn’t feel a thing. The PA and doctor in the room were happy with what they were seeing, just a small dilation on one side. Ultimately the decision was Dr Batcheller’s who was not in the room, however they didn’t feel as though surgery was needed. WHAT! I left on a high. So happy and relieved. Sadly 24 hours later this would all come crashing down.

Celebrated what I thought was good news with ice cream!

The next morning I received a phone call that once again brought me to my knees. After much deliberation and several phone calls to colleagues, Dr Batcheller wanted my tubes out. To add insult to injury, once again I’ve grown polyps. Shit. They had already set up a doctor they trusted, all I had to do was call. We were going to push through and my surgery was scheduled for two weeks later. Soldier on. Just keep swimming. Keep up the sprint pace until that baby is in our arms.

Now in the mean time of all of this fertility drama we bought a house. We’ve always dreamed of living on a lake. Water is our happy place. We’ve been bursting at the seams in our house for a while and we desperately need more space. We basically had just started paying attention to the MLS and went through the motions of getting pre-approved not thinking we would find anything for a while when an amazing family friend Kevin Mahoney called us with an incredible opportunity. He had a client that was going to be listing on Lake Victoria but was willing to allow us to come and look at her house before it was listed – this is called a pocket listing. We eagerly agreed to come look that day, still not believing a home on the chain of lakes was going to be for sale in our price range, and on a rainy and cold Sunday in March we bought a house!

There was one contingency, we had to sell ours and do it fast. It took two weeks but we busted our asses, listed our house just this last weekend and it sold in 2 days! Thank you Kris Telkamp!

Champagne to celebrate signing the purchase agreement!

In the middle of all of this madness however, Rob and I decided something needed to give. The anxiety and pressure and stress were hitting a high for us both. Selling your home isn’t done once the agreement is signed, there are several more steps and many more for us as business owners. Trying to recover from a surgery and pay for it in the middle of all of this just felt like too much. So we’re hitting pause.

I canceled my surgery. I called my clinic and told them we needed a break. And then I cried. I cried for the time I’m losing with this baby. I cried for all the things we’ve done to get pregnant only to hit another road block. I cried because I’m exhausted. I cried.

So what next. We close on new home on May 28! I don’t have an exact date yet, but my surgery will be happening sometime in June. This is a bigger surgery than any others I’ve had so it will take months to heal. Then we start the long journey back to a transfer.

I should be having a baby this month, instead I’m putting this journey on pause. Infertility never gets easier. Pray for your friends on this path, it is dark and lonely. It is daunting. It is never ending. Infertility sucks.