Noah

Today is the day, the day Noah was due.

How do I put into words the emotions I’m feeling today, it’s impossible. These past few weeks I’ve had days where I forget and days where the tears didn’t stop falling all day. He should be in my arms and yet here I sit with an empty womb.

As an added plot twist- as most of you know I started a new full-time job back in June. Oh my gosh has that been a blessing. I love my team, I love the company, I love my job. It has been a breath of fresh air in an incredibly hard year. Yet, in a twist of fate my boss, whom I already adore, I learned after I took the job was pregnant and is due the same day I was. Infertility is cruel.

Watching her approach her due date, the excitement in the office of when baby will come, I can’t help but imagine where we would be. Excited, nervous, over being pregnant and anxious to meet our little man. But instead, here I sit no baby. Major surgery to remove my tubes just a month ago. Back on depot lupron shots that put me into menopause and still a long way away from getting pregnant again. It’s tough.

Here's my latest shot:

I haven’t shared the story of Noah, I’ve kept it close to my heart so today, on his due date, I want to share his brief life with you.

You all know we did a transfer last November 6, 2020. What you maybe didn’t know is we transferred 2 embryos. Here are a few pictures of that exciting and hopeful day.

Just finished acupuncture, heading to the transfer right after this:

Rob and I before the transfer, nervous and excited.

The embryos are in that machine over there! You can see them on the TV monitor this is minutes before the transfer.

There they are, our two precious embryos that we transferred.

This is my amazing doctor April Batcheller. She is the absolute best, we are so appreciative of her!

Embryos are in, officially PUPO here (pregnant until proven otherwise).

This was our surprise we transferred two here.

On November 15th, 9 long days after transfer we found out we were pregnant! The numbers indicated that it probably was only 1, but we were over the moon that it had worked! After so many losses before the boys, I couldn’t believe we were going to get this lucky. Here are a few fun pictures from that exciting day.

Heading in for bloodwork to find out if the transfer worked.

My first ever positive pregnancy test. I never did one with the boys, I was worried I would jinx it. I will probably never take one again now because of that fear and anxiety.

This is actually a screen shot of a video of Rob and I documenting the big news that day.

Two days later we went in for a repeat blood draw to make sure my HCG was still rising, the goal is to have it double, mine didn’t. We went from 118.5 to 220. For me that’s normal. I didn’t have doubling HCG’s with the boys so I wasn’t worried at that time. But, to be safe they ordered a 3rd beta 4 days later.

This draw happened on a Saturday and it wasn’t my normal nurse who called me after. My HCG was only at 614. She wasn’t concerned but to this day I think she didn’t realize how many days had been in-between draws. She congratulated me and told me our due date July 25, 2021. Next steps were to come in for a 6 week ultrasound.

After that call I worried, in my heart I knew something was wrong. That number didn’t make sense, it should have been in the thousands. Two weeks later driving to CCRM in Edina I was anxious the whole way. Rob wasn’t allowed to be in the room with me for the ultrasounds because of the stupid Covid rules (but we could still have black Friday, figure that stupid shit out) so he had to wait in the parking lot and watch from Facetime.

Here I am moments before my first ultrasound.

I knew something was wrong immediately. I know the team there so well and it was written all over their face. Our baby was no where near the size it should have been. There was a heartbeat but it was low at only 94 beats per minute. The odds of this little one surviving were now incredibly low. I watched that little heart beating and working so hard knowing my baby was already dying.

There was nothing we could do but wait. I had to stay on all my meds and keep coming in weekly for ultrasounds. So the next week I came back at 7 weeks pregnant and our little fighter was still there trying so hard for his mommy. I regret deeply that I didn’t take video at my first ultrasound, but thankfully took some at this one. You can see the heartbeat is irregular in the video, he was trying so hard and yet his body was failing.

Watching my child fight to live is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.

My final ultrasound I would have been 9 weeks. Driving down that day I knew something had changed, it might sound crazy but I swear the day he was gone I felt his soul leave. I went to that appointment alone knowing what I was going to hear and wanting the space to grieve alone in the car. He was gone.

I’ve shared this before but on the drive home on that cold December day, I looked in the sky and there was a beautiful rainbow. There was no rain, no reason for it to be there and I knew it was for me. That sign was from my son signaling that he was okay and that he is with me.

His name is Noah, sender of rainbows, our precious gift that we got too briefly. Noah means comfort and rest in Hebrew. How fitting for my little angel that is resting with God and sending comfort to his mommy when she needs it.

He is all around me all the time. He sends me rainbows, sometimes so unexpectedly it takes my breath away. They show up in pictures, Cooper and Oliver will randomly yell “a rainbow” and I know they are seeing him.

Here are just a few of the rainbows he's sent us.

The rainbow on the water:

The light across my face:

The rainbow across Cooper's forehead:

The rainbow across Oliver's face.

Some day we will reunite in Heaven and oh what a reunion that will be. Until then, I will watch for the signs and take comfort in the fact that our family has someone watching out for us. We miss you Noah James.