Becoming a Family of 4
Cooper and Oliver made their grand entrance into this world on May 31, 2018. I lovingly refer to them as the birthday thieves. That day was one of the happiest in my life, but I need to be honest, becoming a mom was overwhelming. I’ve thought about writing this blog ever since the day they were born. You see the pictures on social media and you assume giving birth is this magical experience. The baby is born and you’re instantly bonded and your new family easily falls into step. Now I’m sure this is true for some. This is what I expected. This is not what I experienced…so for all you momma’s out there that struggled in the beginning, this one’s for you.
When I last left you, Cooper and Oliver came into this world in a very traumatic 32 hour labor experience. Here’s a little insight as to what happened in the moments after they were born. Cooper’s water had been broken for over 24 hours. My little 5 pound peanut wasn’t doing so great when he first came out. A team took him immediately away from us to get his temp up and make sure he was okay. I talked about having severe pre-eclampsia, what I didn’t share was why. My uterus had gotten an infection and was deteriorating and because Cooper’s water had been broken for so long my infection had started to affect him. Doctor Sprengeler later told me we got them out just in time as my uterus literally gave out on the table. As you saw in the photos from my last blog Cooper was brought back into the room, reunited with Oliver and we were lucky to experience family snuggles while Mom was getting put back together.
One of the my favorite memories from that day was being wheeled down the hallway to my recovery room. I was holding Oliver, there were nurses all around us talking. Rob said something to one of them, I have no idea what he said, but the moment he talked Oliver kicked and pushed until he could lean back and see his Daddy. The memory still brings tears to my eyes, how incredible that in all the chaos and less than an hour after he was born he recognized his Daddy’s voice. So all you Daddy’s out there talk to the belly, I promise they know you before they are even born!
Rob and I had a little time just the two of us with the boys before the first visitors arrived. We only let a few people come while we were in the hospital as almost as soon as we were together, we were apart again. Poor Cooper’s bloodwork showed signs of an infection and he was taken from us and put in the nursery on an IV for the first 3 days of his life. Being separated like that was so hard. It wasn’t as simple as me getting up and going to him in the nursery, I was recovering from surgery and my blood pressure was still too high for me to get out of bed. I had to lie there with an IV in both hands, waiting for epidural to wear off, unable to get up for several hours.
The drug they give you to recover from a severe case of pre-e like I had is magnesium. I asked the nurses and they told me that maybe one patient a month receives this drug because it has terrible side effects and they only give it if they absolutely have to. It makes you woozy, sleepy and honestly completely out of it. The next 24 hours are very blurry for me. We were continually asked what their names were, I was still so sick and my vision was so blurry still I couldn’t even tell them apart. I remember breaking down crying because all I wanted to do was bond with my babies and lifting my head off the pillow that first day felt like an impossible task. But, a mother's strength is like no other. I needed to get off that bed and get to my Cooper. On shaky legs, through gritted teeth, one tiny step at a time I would visit my baby and snuggle every few hours. We would attempt to nurse and enjoy skin to skin time. Oliver and daddy in tow, our little family together for a precious 30 minutes at a time.
I talk a lot about my stubborn streak and that one of the hardest lessons in infertility is the lesson of letting go of control. Control gives me comfort, a plan gives me comfort. In getting my boys here, every plan I had made took a turn. I had planned on a 37 week delivery, going into labor on my own, being able to deliver them myself and nursing through the first year. As you already know none of this happened. The final blow for me was how miserably we were failing at nursing.
My babies were a month early. They hadn’t yet developed the reflux to suck and swallow, let alone figure out how to nurse. Every nurse that came in for their shift had different opinions on how to get them to latch and how to get my milk to come in. I was covered in bruises from people pulling and pinching me, my already exhausted body was pushed to limits as every 3 hours I would spend an hour trying to nurse and another 20 minutes pumping. Being premies the boys would get so exhausted and burn so many calories trying to nurse that they would fall asleep eating almost nothing. It was at this point their pediatrician Dr Carlson decided we had to supplement. So now every 3 hours we would try to nurse, bottle feed the boys and then I would pump. Round the clock over and over and over.
Pumping I would get maybe 1 mL, sometimes nothing at all. I knew it took time to get your milk in so I just kept trying. Finally on night 3 of this one of the amazing experienced nurses said to me that the boys just weren’t ready to nurse and I needed to get some of the stress off my plate. She suggested I pump and bottle feed and put nursing on hold. I cried from the relief. Removing the stress of nursing and simply giving them formula and what little milk I could the boys started to thrive finally and after 3 long days apart, Cooper was cleared to come off his IV’s and join us back in our room!
I was finally starting to feel better and was excited at the idea of going home that following day. On Monday June 4 the boys were ready to be discharged but their mommy had taken a down turn again. In all the haze of switching doctors and nurses switching every few hours a few things had slipped through the crack. One, I was still losing more blood than I should have been and two, despite me asking repeatedly about my thyroid medication it hadn’t been given to me in 5 days. Dr Sprengeler at one point after some scary numbers in my bloodwork decided I had lost so much blood they didn’t even want to take any for a draw and was considering a blood transfusion. I was able to avoid that but I should have been more vocal about how sick I was getting again. After almost fainting in the shower that morning I should have realized my body wasn’t ready to go home but we were so restless and so tired of being in a hospital room we forged ahead anyway and that day brought our sweet boys home.
I will write more about our first night home another day, because woof it was a doozy! I just want to say, women of the world, giving birth is no joke. Listen to your bodies! After only being home for 3 days I realized something was wrong. I was so weak and quite frankly I wasn’t bonding at all with the boys. I didn’t know if I had postpartum depression, if I was just that tired or what was going on. I’ve since read that going through a traumatic birth like I did tends to delay the mother’s ability to bond. That it’s your body protecting itself first and trying to heal. The guilt I felt in those early days was bone crushing. I knew I should be feeling joy and love but all I felt was exhaustion. I was a robot running on empty. I was a week post partum, I still had no milk, I was pumping, feeding and trying to nurse round the clock and I was still losing way more blood than is normal.
We were bringing our boys in for their one week check-up and I almost fainted walking into the clinic. I managed to make it through their appointment and on the way home I broke down and told my husband I needed to go to the hospital. My mom met Rob and I at home, she and Rob stayed with the boys and I went back to see Dr Sprengeler and get some answers.
Turns out the infection in my uterus was back. It wasn’t allowing the blood to clot hence the bleeding. To top it off in one week my thyroid had gone from hyper to hypo with all the hormone changes, I had lost 45 pounds in 7 days and was smaller than when I got pregnant and my milk wasn’t coming in because my body couldn’t make milk AND heal. I was a mess.
I remember sitting there in tears. Feeling like the biggest loser. Wanting to be better and not understanding why God was doing this to me. There are still days I am sad that we were never able to nurse. Dr Sprengeler gave me a big hug and told me to let go of the guilt and move on to formula. I remember feeling relieved and also scared to tell Rob I was giving up already. You see I had lost my job due to layoffs the previous August and had been without work for 9 months. Money was and is still very tight for us and formula is so expensive. Rob was already stressed to the max trying to take care of all of us and I didn’t want to burden him with one more thing. I called him from the car to let him know what was happening and much to my surprise he was relieved and so supportive of this decision. Ladies, I got one of the good ones. This man has sacrificed so much over the years for me and for the idea of having kids. He has given up so much to have a job in construction because of what it provides for us. I tell him often how much I love him but I don’t know that he will ever realize how much I appreciate all that he does for us. But I know this, when he walks in the door at night and his boys light up with smiles and giggles because their daddy is home, all the pain and sacrifice is forgotten. They are the light in our lives.
In the days following my visit and getting a strong dose of antibiotics my body finally started to heal. Getting back on the proper dose of thyroid meds, my brain finally started to heal. Each day I grew stronger mentally and physically, and each day bonding more and more with the tiny humans I had grown for 8 long months. It took time, and that’s okay. If this happened to you I’m here today telling you to let go of the guilt because it’s okay and normal to not bond immediately. That bond came and I will tell you today I would gladly lay my life down to save theirs. A mother’s love is like no other, a feeling I finally understand.
