A Potential Grandmother’s Perspective
Ever wondered what it is like for a family to watch someone they love battle infertility? I wondered too. Which is why when my amazing mother asked if she could guest blog for me and write on this topic I jumped at the chance to hear her words. She made me laugh, she made me cry but most of all she has repeatedly shown me how to never give up hope just like her. I love you mom and thank you for sharing this with us. I will treasure your words always.
A Potential Grandmother’s Perspective
I am an artist. I think that’s why I notice first a person’s physical attributes-especially the face. I watch and study my friends and family. I tend to fall in love with those distinct characteristics that make them who they are…that’s the first thing that came to mind when I learned that Amber and Rob were having fertility issues.
I asked Amber how she felt about me writing something for her blog from my potential grandmother’s perspective. She said “perfect” as it’s National Infertility Awareness Week! If this is going to be a learning tool, and based on the growth I have witnessed in Amber and Rob regarding their diagnosis, I decided to be very honest. A year ago this would have been hard for Amber in particular to hear because I believe there are a series of stages a family goes through. I say family because infertility is not a couple’s problem, it’s a family disease. The early stages were very difficult.
Becoming a biological grandmother wasn’t something I was anxious about, (I still have a teenager in the house!) but as tests revealed that it might not be possible for Rob and Amber to have children, it became very poignant for me. I hadn’t thought about it, but just expected that someday it would happen. I began to feel a sense of grieving in a way, for a child that never was. There were questions, frustration, anger, sympathy and heart ache. As they were dealing with the emotional stages of infertility (as was I and the rest of their family) I couldn’t help but wonder-‘was it her or him?’, ‘what was wrong?’, ‘why them?’, ‘what if they were never able to have children?’
I have always been a problem solver (I have a friend that calls me MacGyver!) so I am sure I made some remarks to Amber that were insensitive, thinking I was being “helpful”! My brain would not shut off! Surprise! I was so frustrated, mad at God even. It wasn’t fair, and I became pissed about the situation. I thought about all the people who in my mind didn’t “deserve” children. Or in some cases even want children and were able to conceive. Those women that used and abused their bodies with drugs and alcohol and were still able to conceive. Those who were abusive to the children they had. The notion that there were parents who would never see themselves as bad parents, but I saw them as lazy and selfish because it was easier to be their child’s friend than it was to be a responsible parent. I judged them all- found them all guilty- and wondered how God could deny these amazing people children!
As you probably guessed I’m a very protective mom! Someone once said that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child, I understand that statement. As the diagnosis settled in, I found myself thinking again. I didn’t want it to be Amber’s “issue”. I selfishly wanted her to experience pregnancy and child birth. I wanted her to realize the greatest love when she saw and felt their child growing inside her. And then I thought about Rob. The tough guy, at least that is what he would prefer you to think of him. I thought about how sensitive he can be to things that might challenge his masculinity. I “knew” if it was his issue that he would feel inadequate somehow and that may prevent him from accepting an alternative treatment such as a donor or adoption, boy did he prove me wrong! AHHHHHHHHHH my brain was in overload!
I have been riding the rollercoaster with Amber so to speak. Through tests, appointments, treatments (daily needles sometimes and medications that made her UNUSUALLY impatient…and crabby) high hopes and bottomed out sadness. It’s been a difficult rides sometimes, riding the rail at times, trying to be a good sounding board and trying not to tip the cart. I try not to “fix it” when she gets derailed, but just grease the squeaky wheel a bit. I feel privileged to be on the ride with her, grateful to be included and so anxious at times I thought I would throw up! Christmas Eve in particular was a hard one. Through it all her husband has been a good conductor. Encouraging and even suggesting this blog to Amber, knowing it’s not his comfort zone to share his very most private life with the world. He realized in doing so their family and friends would understand a little better and be comfortable talking about the “elephant” in the room. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to be so candid.
I’m learning that I cannot eliminate her pain, but maybe I can help her manage it. I’ve learned that some days she wants to talk about, and some days she cries at the mention of it, so I just let her take the lead. I forgiven God…he’s doesn’t want any of his children to suffer. It is what it is.
Rob and Amber are thoughtful, intelligent, multifaceted people and infertility is just one part of their lives. So please don’t be uncomfortable around them. Include them. They truly are delighted in the circle of life and love being a part in all of your lives-babies included!
I had to come to terms with the fact that the artist in me may never see Rob’s adorable ears on my grandson. I may never witness the wrinkle in his forehead or the familial smirk when he is being naughty. But I have to believe that no matter whose genes the child carries that my little grandson or granddaughter will probably walk like daddy, talk like daddy and god forbid act like daddy! (BTW Our family has a great sense of humor, that helps us through the bad times and a tenacity that keeps us going!) Because being a daddy is so much more than donating some gene’s to the pool. For it’s not genetics that make a daddy, it’s your heart, and my son in law has a big one!
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
-Joseph Campbell
With Bated Breath,
Amber’s mom- Nancy
