Reacting to Your Loved One's Infertility-The Do's and Don'ts
One of the hardest things most couples agonize over when struggling with infertility is deciding whether you will share your battle with friends and family or stay silent. It is a deeply personal decision that no couple takes lightly. There is a certain stigma that is attached to infertility, and when I started our blog one of my goals was to help change that. One in eight couples struggle with infertility. Today I want to write about how to talk to someone suffering from infertility.
By the time that a couple reveals they are struggling to get pregnant or have been diagnosed with a fertility issue the first thing to keep in mind is that they have already been trying for months, maybe even years to get pregnant. They are probably opening up because they simply want a listening ear or support. The best thing you can say is I’m here for you, or we will pray for you or simply hug them and tell them you love them. That’s it.
Below I’m going to list several things you probably should not say. I have learned in my battle with infertility that when someone says something hurtful it is typically them not knowing what to say, trying to find a justification or it’s their way of relating to me. I understand that these things have not been said to hurt me but it has anyway. Because it is hard to know the right thing to say in that moment if you are struggling for words DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL! It is better to pause and reflect then to say something you can’t take back. So here goes!
*****DISCLAIMER*****
You, yes you reading this blog may have been someone that has done or said these things to Rob and I. We probably don’t even remember you saying or doing them, so please don’t take this personally. This isn’t about pointing out other’s mistakes just an opportunity to enlighten about the pain that can be caused by words. We love you all!
1. Just Relax- Please if you’re reading this do not EVER tell someone who is trying to get pregnant to relax. I doubt that in your baby making experiences that you have been totally relaxed and not stressed out one time in the process. Stress is not the cause of infertility. Telling someone with fertility issues to stop putting pressure on themselves and relax is like telling a cancer patient to relax and the cancer will go away. It hurts us, and what you’re saying is that we’re doing something wrong when in reality this is out of our control.
2. Story swapping isn’t helpful- it is human to want to try to help or make the couple struggling feel better so when you hear someone you love having problems naturally you want to comfort them, maybe in the form of a story. However, we don’t want to hear the story about that person that tried for years and years and years and they finally gave up or adopted and WHAM pregnant. Those miracles are beautiful and amazing stories however they are the exception and sadly not the rule. For every one person that has that story there are thousands that don’t and it isn’t comforting to think you need to give up to have the family you dream of.
3. Not all couples have the same issues-When someone says to me, I heard that if you eat this, exercise, lay on your back for 20 mins, do a headstand, use this oil, try this doctor…the advice I’ve been given could go on for days. Trust me I’ve probably tried it. So I will repeat, by the time we are talking about our issues we have probably done our research. The weird, the common, the med, ect. Unless we ask you specifically for advice please don’t just give it. OR better yet if you have experience in fertility treatments or firsthand knowledge ASK first if it’s okay to share your experience as it may be comforting. Point is here there are many many reasons people can’t have kids and we are not all the same. Since Rob and I started talking about our fertility issues many people we know have shared their stories with us. Of all of these couples not one has the exact same problems. NOT ONE! So don’t assume your cousin and I do.
4. But my husband looks and me and I’m pregnant-Yep this has been said to me, many times actually. Or we got pregnant on the first try or my favorite- it’s too easy for me to get pregnant. It is okay to think those things and guess what, people with infertility do not wish this upon anyone else. In fact I’ve said on many occasions I’d rather it be me than any of my friends and family. If I could protect them all from this pain and be the only one I would. However that does not make it okay for you to say those things to me. I’ve learned it’s a knee jerk response, that person is processing out loud their feelings about how they just can’t imagine it would be hard for someone because it isn’t hard for them. Please try to restrain from speaking those words out loud because if we could have that experience we would!
5. So are you going to….insert things like try IVF, hire a surrogate, adopt and/or use donor eggs, sperm embryos ect here. These things are the big guns in fertility treatment. There are MANY steps before a doctor is going to have you try these things out. This is a personal journey and not everyone is okay with these steps as a way of getting pregnant and some are. Also not everyone can afford to try these things. Insurance typically does not cover fertility treatments and most people would be shocked if they knew what we've paid trying to have a baby. The point is that it’s the couple’s decision and they may have many more steps in front of them before they even need to consider these options. Unless they are asking your advice on trying one of these out it’s best not to ask if they have.
6. Adoption- I’m giving this its own paragraph because it’s a biggie. Adoption is a big deal, a very long and big and expensive deal and it’s not right for everyone. By asking me if I’ve considered adopting you are telling me to give up on having biological children. Adoption does not happen overnight. There’s home visits and counseling and paying for fees and deciding which agency you want to go with and the wait which I imagine is the hardest part. Rob and I personally yes have talked about adoption and we will explore it if the time ever comes but we are not there quite yet.
7. So you’ve struggled with infertility and you are now projecting onto others- this is one that I have to remind myself of daily. Deciding the time is right to have children is something that should not be done because you are afraid that you can’t. This has been done to me and I’m sure I’ve done it to others but it’s not fair for us fertility challenged people to scare others into trying to start a family before they are ready. It’s the comments like “don’t wait too long or else” that just isn’t okay to do to others. We are damaged goods, and like you, have the best intentions. So I’m sorry if I’ve ever done this to you because it is my deepest fear that someone I know and love will have to go through the pain that I have. I don’t know what’s worse, having fertility issues or watching someone else struggle with them. Either way we just need to love and respect each other’s decisions and do our best not to project our own feelings!
Okay now that I’ve shared the big don’ts I want to share some Do’s. Do ask if we are okay, frequently! It feels good to know others are praying and thinking about you! So it’s okay to ask how we are just don’t ask what we are doing next and when or if we are pregnant yet…don’t worry when the time comes we will shout it from the roof top! Do send us a card or a text or an email just to say I’m praying or thinking about you. Man does that feel good! Do share your good news with us. It hurts me when I have to find out second hand that someone I love is expecting because they are afraid to tell me themselves...I am so happy for every baby in our life and want to be a part of the celebration too! Finally just be there for when we need you because we will. It’s nice to know we have a person to vent to that doesn’t need to give us advice or comment but to listen and love us any way!
Now that our story is out it amazes and humbles me the number of people that have reached out to tell their story or relate. I don’t wish this upon anyone but it’s comforting to have a fertility battle buddy by your side helping you stay strong, listen and offer advice because they’ve been there. This amazes me and I’m so thankful for it! So you brave women that have reached out and shared your story with me, thank you! I pray for your families nightly and I’m grateful because I know you’ve done the same for me!
I hope this helps to know what to do or not to do if the time ever comes for you to react to someone else’s sad news. At the end of the day just know if someone is sharing their story with you it’s because they love, trust and honor your presence in their life and truly it’s that relationship that helps us stay strong. So thank you to everyone that has been there for us! You are our beacon of light and hope on our darkest of days.
Much love,
Rob and Amber
