Re-defining our Future Family
In the past few months Rob and I have had to re-define what our future family is going to look like once again. Since opening up about the fact that Rob and I will be moving forward with using a sperm donor we've had a lot of questions from family and friends and decided we should talk more about this process to help others understand. Some of the most popular qustions are: How do you pick one? Do they give you a book? Do you go to a sperm bank and look through files? And my favorite, did you ask someone you know to donate? So I'm hoping this blog will help answer those questions :) The first step in using a sperm donor is actually going through a counseling session.
Those of you that know Rob and I well know that my husband is super talkative and the thought of sitting down with a complete stranger and bearing his inner most thoughts and feelings about having to use an alternative method to get pregnant would be the best day of his life! Or not… All jokes aside we were actually glad that this was a requirement to move forward in the process. It felt good to say out loud the fears and pain we were experiencing and get it all out so that we could move forward with a fresh, clean slate.
Once our counselor gave us the green light to move forward the next step is to pick a donor. We were given a list of companies that sell donor sperm and are approved by our doctors. We were told to find a website that we liked and go from there. On this large list of companies one stood apart from the rest and we knew this was the company we would use. This was the ONLY company that offered photos of the donors as children AND as adults. It wasn’t free to see these photos, but we’ve found with infertility you might as well keep the wallet out because nothing is free or cheap!
I looked at the website first and made a list of my top candidates and then I waited for Rob to be ready to do the same. We’ve learned in this process that I heal best by moving forward and constantly looking for what I can or should be doing next. It keeps my mind busy and allows me to process a little bit at a time while keeping myself a little distracted. Rob on the other hand needs time. Time to think. Time alone. Time to heal at his own pace. The best thing about our marriage is we know that about each other and we give each other the things we need to heal best. He lets me run in circles and research and get the comfort in the knowledge I am gaining and I let him be in peace, to have that moment alone to think and he’ll let me know when he’s ready to hear what I’ve learned.
One day he told me to pull up the website he was ready to look for himself. At the end he had just 3 donors listed as potentials…ironically 2 of the 3 matched my list as well. To make things even crazier we had the exact same top donor marked. So, we sat down together and went through that profile again pointing out what we both liked and why. How did we know this was the right donor for us? Well going back through his profile trying to make that decision I happened to notice his birthday, May 31st…that’s my birthday too! Fate? I don’t think so! God was giving us a sign, a blessing that this is the path we are supposed to be on. It was the confirmation we both needed to take the leap of faith and finally be ready to fully embrace starting a family with donor sperm.
I’m not going to lie this is still a very emotional topic for me. The pain is still raw and it still hurts me to give up the idea of biological children. Then I remember that DNA does not make a parent. Being a parent is about love and being there no matter what. Being a parent is about staying up all night with a crying baby, cleaning up the skinned knees and wiping away the tears, being there for every hug and cuddle, the joy in their first steps and first words and sharing their pain when their heart gets broken for the first time. It’s about listening, loving, patience and being there no matter! Being a parent goes way beyond DNA, and I can’t wait for the day that I get to tell my husband that he has a new title, daddy. With bated breath.
