Picking Up the Pieces Take Two
Once the holidays were over the real work in healing our hearts needed to begin. Step one for us was meeting with our doctors and finding out what was next or if there was a next step for us. To quote our doctor if money were no object then we would continue to do IVF and eventually it would work. Would that be cycle 3, 4, 5…who knows but the sad news here is unfortunately for us money is an object and we cannot afford to keep going. Maybe someday we will try this again but that day is not now. Their advice to us was going back to IUI but trying it this time with donor sperm.
-Cue major breakdown in the doctor’s office here.-
This did not come as a surprise to us as we had been told of this option before but the reality has hit home that I may never see my husband’s bright blue eyes reflected in our children, or be able to pass on his strong hands (this sounds funny but my husband has very distinct hands, they are the same as his dad’s and his grandpa’s and so on, it’s a family trait), I felt in that moment that we were robbing him of these precious genetics that I have so desperately waited to see in my children since Rob and started dating almost 10 years ago. We did everything right, we went slow, dated, finished school, got “real” jobs, got engaged, planned the big wedding, waited to settle into our marriage and enjoy time alone and now when we are finally ready for a family it’s too late. I’ve said this before but infertility feels like a never ending punishment. You just want to know where you went wrong in life, make amends and get your fairy tale ending.
My strong, amazingly level headed and loving husband said to the doctor, it is what it is I can’t change our biology but I will have a family so what do we do next. Can I say enough times how much I love this man! We got the packet of information and went home to process. Rob being the spontaneous person that he is said “pack a bag we need to get away and have some fun!” So we did, we left home one day and had no idea where we were going or what we were going to do but we were going to get away even if it was for one night. We found ourselves at the casino near Duluth, neither of us had gambled before so we pulled a few slots, had a wonderful dinner together and spent the next day bumming around Duluth antiquing, watching a ship or two come into the harbor and just having quality time together.
We topped the week off with a New Years Eve slumber party with 3 of our 5 nieces and nephews. We spent the day with Emily, Logan and Hunter playing the Wii, watching movies and stuffing them full of junk like a good aunt and uncle should and then sending them home sleep deprived and on a sugar hangover…did I mention we are the best aunt and uncle ever just ask the kids ha!
This was a tough holiday season for us but we are so blessed with fabulous family and friends, even though you had no idea what we were going through you all helped heal our hurts just by being you.
I came across this bible verse today and as always His timing is perfect. For those of you who know me well notice the number!
Hebrews 11: 1 What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something that we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us even though we can not see it.
So with faith and bated breath we start back at square one, re-envisioning our future family and taking this one step at a time.
