Hoping for a Christmas Miracle

To quote a favorite Christmas song December to me truly is “the most wonderful time of the year”.

There’s time with family and friends to connect, we give thanks for all that we have and for another great year in the books. We take time to reflect on the last year and all that was accomplished and all that we have left to do. December felt like the perfect time to try IVF a second time and close out 2014 with a bang!

The day after Thanksgiving we made the trip to Fargo for our baseline appointment and were once again given the green light to start the cycle. This time we would be adding a new med to the mix which added an additional daily stomach injection. For about 2 weeks I was giving myself a minimum of 3 shots and towards the end 5 shots in the stomach a day.

The lovely black and blue dart board stomach was back but honestly it was a small price I was going to pay for something so much bigger than a few shots a day. This cycle we were lucky, the change in meds helped my body to react normally and though we were growing less eggs than the first time the doctors were confident that they were better quality and I was feeling so much better.

December is also a time of year where lots of Christmas parties and gatherings happen, and this year was no exception. With IVF the nightly shots have to happen at the same time to give you the best results so there were a few occasions where we needed to get to a party or had plans with friends and I would have the shots lined up and quickly go down the line one injection after another and then run out the door to get where we were going on time. These shots burn like crazy for the first half hour or so after and I remember tears streaming down my face trying to just power through because for this round of IVF we decided not to tell anyone. We were living as normally as possible so that people wouldn’t find out; it was just too much pressure the last time and we wanted to be able to surprise everyone with our amazing news at Christmas.

The retrieval day came and 11 beautiful eggs were mature and we found out the next day that 8 had fertilized! A rush of relief came over Rob and I, we had enough embryos to do a 5 day transfer and I just knew this was it. This entire cycle I had been so relaxed, everything was going so smooth this time and since we were keeping it a secret there was no added pressure of people calling and asking about each step so I was able to process each appointment with Rob and not worry about updating the masses. Now don’t get me wrong, Rob and I have crazy amazing family and friends and we would be lost without all the support that we have in our lives. However, until you’ve taken a stroll down infertility lane it is so hard to understand the pressure and worry involved in each procedure. The stress is incredibly high and to top it off you’re on tons of hormones and medications that make you feel crazy and not yourself at all. The only person you want to worry about in the middle of IVF is you because it’s about all we could handle.

Our first hiccup with this cycle came two days after the retrieval, I was setting up for my company’s Santa day at work preparing for close to 100 kids and parents to come and meet Santa when an unexpected call from my doctor happened. She was told by the lab that our embryos were not doing well and that we were not going to make it to day 5 and that we needed to come in for a day 3 transfer instead. I was crushed. I then had to call my husband and deliver the bad news and then smile through 2 hours of watching beautiful families enjoy the day with Santa that I had helped plan and organize. My heart was aching that entire night because I wanted to be a mom there with her family not the kid-less woman that organized the event.

We went in for our day 3 transfer with fear in our hearts yet a small spark of hope that this would work.

Thank goodness for the valium that I was given for the procedure itself because I needed something to calm my nerves and focus on the good. The transfer went amazing, we even added in acupuncture this time to help increase our odds.

I went home and survived the 3 days of bed rest waiting to hear if we would have any embryos to freeze. Sadly once again we did not. So we were down to the 2 little miracles hopefully growing inside of me already.

For two weeks we waited to get our results. During this time we had Christmas with my dad and that entire side of the family. Almost 30 people in one house for a weekend celebrating Christmas, it’s a weekend I look forward to all year! This year would be a little different for me though, no wine or beer and trying to find a way to make it look like I was partaking in the drinking without actually having any. Not easy! My cousin’s wife is pregnant right now and I just kept thinking how exciting it was going to be to have our kids so close in age. I couldn’t wait to show off my cute maternity clothes and swap stories and see our kids together next Christmas at this same celebration.

Fast forward to December 23rd, the day before Christmas Eve. I went in and had my blood drawn and then we waited….all day…for “The Call” to come. The call finally came at about 3:30pm that day and all I remember is falling to my knees because I couldn’t hold myself up when I was delivered the bad news once again. I held it together on the phone not wanting her to listen to me fall apart, holding onto my sobs until we hung up because I knew once they started they wouldn’t be stopping for a very long time . The last thing I remember saying to my doctor was Merry Christmas and her saying “Oh Amber I’m so sorry, you have a Merry Christmas too” and then the sobs came. Rob had been napping on the couch when my phone rang and he ran to my side already knowing the answer without having to ask the question. I sobbed and cried “it’s not fair” over and over until I couldn’t speak any more. Rob held me tight, so strong even though I’m sure he too was falling apart inside.

We went through the motions of Christmas and the family gatherings that happened in the days after. No one knew that our world had just crashed for a second time. We smiled and laughed and celebrated. Even though we were silently suffering and in so much pain that week, the distraction and time with family probably saved us in a way. We spent quality time together and with the people we love most. Slowly every joke, every smile, every time a niece or nephew crawled on our lap for a snuggle and every hug from a family member healed the hole in our heart just a little bit more. I saw this quote recently and is always amazes me how God puts these messages in our paths when we need them most, “God doesn’t give us what we can handle. God helps us handle what we are given.” Once again our faith has helped us heal and move forward and for that we are lucky and grateful. Our day is coming, with bated breath we wait ready to become parents and knowing that when that day comes what a celebration it will be!