Our Dirty Little Secret
It’s now fall of 2013 and Rob and I are anxious and ready for a family to begin. Keep in mind this was a silent battle for us, maybe a handful of very close family and 1-2 friends even knew what we were going through up to this point. In the midst of Rob being sick my regular doctor referred us to a fertility specialist in Fargo, ND. She agreed that Rob should see a urologist but also thought we should give a procedure called IUI a try first and then go from there.
IUI is a step above taking meds. Along side of medication add in multiple ultrasound appointments and bloodwork to watch the growth of your eggs. Once the doctors determine you have mature eggs you go home and that night and give yourself a shot in the stomach which forces ovulation. The next morning involves a trip to Fargo, husband in tow, he gives a “donation” and the doctors then take that “donation” and put it as close to eggs as possible. Now when you factor in our fertility issues we were told this was a long shot but worth a try.
The day we discovered this hadn’t worked was a very hard day and reality slammed into us more than it ever had in the past. I think this was the point where I was the angriest I have been in this process. A lot of whys and faith questioning, frustration on top of tears. But from that frustration and anger grew a different kind of fire; I like to call it determination.
I’d be lying if I said that this has been easy peasy on our marriage and our relationships with family and friends. It’s not easy trying to hide fertility issues especially when you’re going on two years of marriage and there’s no baby. We were asked constantly when we were going to start a family. One particularly devastating day I was out with some friends grabbing happy hour and an acquaintance of mine flat out asked me when we were going to have kids and proceeded to lecture me about waiting too long and not being able to have kids at all. Now she didn’t know that I’d already been battling fertility issues for almost two years and how fragile I was in that moment. I wanted to scream don’t you think I know that! But I didn’t, her heart was in the right place she didn’t know what we were going through, no one did. I politely smiled as I was falling apart inside and said when the time is right we’ll have a family.
Infertility is something that so many couples hide. It's incredibly hard to talk about; we were ashamed to talk about our struggles. You feel like you did something wrong, that you’re not worthy of having children for some unknown reason. I have racked my brain over and over wondering what I did to deserve this punishment because that’s what it feels like. It was our dirty little secret and it was killing me inside.
This was the point where we finally needed to lift the weight off our shoulders and share this burden with people who could help us. Friends, family even coworkers. We needed support but didn’t know how to talk about it. With Rob’s surgery on the horizon it was time to figure out how to share our dirty little secret. From fear determination was born. Not only determination but unwaivering faith. God's timing is perfect, he doesn't give us a dream without hope of reaching that dream. The road in front of us is long but we’re tackling it one day, one step, one tear, one second at a time. With bated breath…
